He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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