K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
