Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
