Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
