dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
