dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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