I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
