found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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