she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
