I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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