so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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