I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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