two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
