dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
