sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
