I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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