last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
vagina is talking i cant
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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