I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
