GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
