I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
