Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
