You're my little dorito
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
