Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
