Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
