he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
