Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Two words: blizzard sex
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
