dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
