I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
