Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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