Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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