His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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