I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She bit a glass in half.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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