he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
