I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
