you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
