I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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