i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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