I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
