I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize