I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize