My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
