Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
