If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
