TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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