it was like eating out sand paper
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize