so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
