I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
