When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
