Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
