Your face is a jimmy john
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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