Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
