She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just blew my weed a kiss
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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