decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
