Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
