Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
